THE REUNION
I wondered what would it be like to see everyone again. I was also terrified I’d be seen for the failure I felt Id been. I was so hyped up about the scale of the occasion that I momentarily forgot how gathered, no... concentrated, no... The feeling was like entering back into a fairytale world. Like it was Hansel and Gretel. Every door and corridor were sign-posted and the rooms were divided into areas. All neatly labelled. Like following a trail of breadcrumbs. The chaos in my memory was restored to a sense of calm and continuity. I felt a pang of remorse for the life changing event that had hidden this treasure of my youth from me. The sense of rejection from my combined experiences was slowly turning to curiosity. The child in me might rejoice again. I couldn’t reconnect with Dana the way I had hoped for. Her domesticated family life although heart-warming was for me the road less travelled. My high school crush hadn’t exchanged popularity for wisdom. It’s almost poetic when the conquering hero hasn’t conquered himself. The drink of choice was mint tea and there were home-baked cupcakes. With wonky icing. Like the junior class had made them. I felt so humbled by those rainbow sprinkles that I had to take a moment and go to the loo. It was then I realized mistakes and imperfections are our gifts to one another. Not every song ends in a perfect cadence and not every journey ends at its first destination. Instead of mourning the girl I was, I realized this woman I had become. This defining moment reawakned my need to contribute. I wondered was it the village? Could I ever have made a success of it and prove my critics wrong. Enduring failure for to long turns into anger unless you know where to aim for. Anger with the aim of redemption is determination. That was how I could overcome the accident and all the fallout. It felt like a glimpse of light through the window of the future. A prism of hope amidst the chaos of change. Somehow I might emerge from my issues complete again. What’s wrong with change after all. Isn’t there just to much fear in being afraid of whats around the corner. To afraid to make the decision to change jobs, move to another city. To start a relationship with a real person. After you change whether you choose it or not it just happens. And when you do, you start to live life unafraid to take risks and to grow. When it’s not right I change it before its to late. You might not get another chance. Thats the seed of knowledge my accident taught me. I didn’t know I would be the one to come out with that. Especially after my talent audition failure. In front of the judges. If I could do it all again. I would be prepared to see it through. Do everything necessary. As though my life depended on it. There would be no plan B. No slow decay of my dreams. I wouldn’t care about the advice of a career’s advisor. After the accident I became extremely sensitive to people’s pain. Imagine me as a dentist! So I enrolled in music college as a mature student. I wanted to become the next hit songwriter, sort of like Elton John. Did you know the circle of fifths contains all major and minor keys? Its this intricate pattern of scales and triads. Maybe just maybe somehow some of that you know... Brahms and Liszt. Would rub off on me. I had a new found focus in claiming my independence. Im now embracing my own Hakuna Matata. I do love a theme, sorry about that. I didn’t know I would come here today to say this but... I decided to keep showing up, again and again and again till this ambition of mine is realized. No matter what! Cos if there are judges, naysayers, shadow banners or blacklists. I’m creating my own destiny. After learning that a tone is not your bosses new boyfriend. Learning to not smirk to much about what a semi is and correctly fingering an instrument. Well just a bit for the good old days. I have become more refined. The perfectionism in classical music is annoying. Everything is so precise. I remembered Jason’s words in my quiet moments of piano study. How he had been a former perfectionist. Though letting go of any expectations at all didn’t make me happier. I think aspirations are what make us people interesting. To view an artist as a perfectionist is to not always understand the nature of art. I always thought to recognize true beauty is to see the reality of our flaws. It’s all about the journey so here’s the cliche unpicked. It’s not how long you wait at the bloody bus stop before realizing its quicker to walk. The hero’s journey may have inspired a whole generation of ‘May the Force be With you.’ ‘Luke, I’m Your Father!’ Karma’s hilarious... I’m talking about your journey too. Learning everything about yourself is not something you can place on a spectrum. You’re not red forever then suddenly you change to yellow. You might be both at the same time. Orange even. There is so much more to come. Change is a constant its not a fixed target. It is like chasing a rainbow hoping for a pot of gold at the end. So I found myself. I didn’t go traveling or do masses of volunteering. Start a side hustle or renovate a house. My cup was so full I just had to empty it a little. Emptying your cup means doing less, having less. This leaves room for more gratitude and a lot less distractions. Very slowly I became aware of what my inner self was telling me. To start with I thought I was going spare. Doing less made me feel worthless. I had a one star rating and a lot of bad reviews. Until the person hiding behind all that rush of activity was revealed. The strong, brilliant, unfathomable me. Gradually I began to heal by accepting things in life cant always be changed. I know you know it too. It’s an actual prayer. My favourite actually. If I say it now it will only bring you good luck before this performance. Hold hands, like this. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.